Oh Benko!

:: Spots ::

2011-12-20T12:11:00.000-08:00

You ladies make it virtually impossible for this leopard to change his spots when you keep rubbing off all my paint.

:: Runaway ::

2011-09-28T15:17:00.000-07:00

I don't think she realized, she changed my mind with that look and the her smile. Something different in my life made me want to stay and fight. It does not matter who, when or where, but now I remember how much more there is in life.

:: Randomly Leaking from my Mind ::

2011-01-06T05:05:00.001-08:00

Sometimes you just need to accept things rather than make sense of them.
The first thing to accept is that some things do not fall into any form of rational definition that we can think of.
Things like this are best avoided or enjoyed from behind a bullet-proof shield.
The dream with the squirrel riding a horse to chase a goat is an exception, but then it is a dream
Life is not a dream and as such we fill it with our hopes and dreams
Not everyone has sane dreams
Some dreams are best left as dreams
Some dreams would be wonderful but highly improbable
Why worry you will forget this dream in a few weeks and have new ones that make even less sense
Life is what we make it and it happens differently for everyone (i.e. the perception of the reality)

Popeye almost had it right! ~ you know "I'm strong to the finish 'cause I eats me spinach"
Amazingly there is a whole song with that http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/popeye.htm

:: Seeing The Light ::

2010-11-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

The fire in the sky lights my delight and kisses my head when I stand on mountain tops

:: Growing Pains ::

2010-11-01T10:45:00.000-07:00

if you knew me when I was thinking of tommorrow and anticipating the rain from 60plus knees deep in precipitated pains, only the young can look upon an elder and know that they will never be that way. 10 years later when you are young no more and burdened with your own you understand that there was never an escape

-:: Fyiah Bun dis Blog ::-

2009-05-15T05:28:00.000-07:00

It would apperar that my vocaublary and intent have deteriorated and all that is good is in the past the computer only holds a view of monotony from a far too bright LCD, perfect for movies and motion yet useable for text but the latter generates far less interest.

my song for the year even though it is an old song ... "Happiness is a Warm Gun"

:: Missing ::

2008-09-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

Whether you don't want to see me or do not wish to be seen,
Everytime I miss you it tastes like Tequila.

:: Another Day ::

2007-02-23T06:06:00.000-08:00

slow down and take a deep breath today

..take time to look out a window and try to appreciate whatever you have despite everything else that seems sucky... I feel like crap because I am constantly grumbling or sour about so many little things that in the end do not matter as much as the things I should appreciate and enjoy.. like freedom, life, relatively good health, so many friends and close family around me, and the people that I see and talk to everyday even the ones that annoy me...
they should all make me stronger in my resolve to fight for another day to express myself in some small way.

Rest in Peace Kester ...a true soldier of life

:: Baseline Erosion ::

2007-01-21T21:16:00.000-08:00

I want you to know that when I self destruct, it was not your fault. I could see it coming, and live every day in dread, knowing that I have always been my worst enemy. It was imperative to realize that fighting myself would mean that I would always lose. The hours after midnight inside my head are the worst, I cannot stop it, I know I need help but I am afraid to even begin looking for it, because I know all the answers but not the right questions. It seems that whenever I feel this way I take it out on those closest to me because they are the only reason for me to continue to struggle against this end, my only reason for being. I test them and test myself to find a reason not to need anyone else as a reason to bear existence.

There is something terribly wrong with me and all I can do is smile at you for being there even if you will never know how much you mean to me, and keeping you to be my escape from myself, and hating myself more because I cannot fight myself, and resisting you because you want more than I can give without being free of my patient duality.

:: Art of Stealth ::

2007-01-09T03:59:00.001-08:00

The art of stealth has three schools of thought:
1. swift like wind, quieter than whisper, cast no shadow: never be heard or seen
2. hide in plain sight: be very obvious to the point of being obnoxious
3. misdirection: make a point of always being seen and heard, only where you want people to think you are

works well in an office too

:: inward lies the void ::

2007-01-06T17:42:00.000-08:00

Ok so I really don't expect anyone to read anything into this I just got
words and a tune stuck in my head so I wrote a silly little song
really don't ask me to sing it I'm sure i'll forget how it goes by morning.

Title: Inward lies "the void"

don't tell the lie if you don't know the words,
speaking to her this morning I said everything was fine.
She said i blink everytime I tell her lies.
Even my words condemn me to this fate.
Music can't begin to fill my frosted sweetheart
I made up the words just to tell her I was sorry,
but I couldn't find the key to make myself less empty.
I am a shell that I fill with many silly tricks,
and I an I can't find the words to lie

------
@Benko 2006

:: Delicious ::

2006-10-29T17:41:00.000-08:00

"the fruit is red, sweet to taste, biten by the blush of happiness"

So you know someone in particular has me smiling these days and she won't like it if I am smiling too much at any other ladies so I am saving my best one for her alone.

:: Traffic again ::

2006-08-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

I think love is like traffic,
it is stop and go,burning my brakes,
seatbelt tugging tightly on my chest..
My head bouncing back and forth as the car jerks to a halt...
Then I have to make up the space while the other drivers are honking at me
from behind,
I just want to pull aside until the road is clear,
but I know there will be traffic lights and cars all the time,
and waiting will not get me there any sooner...

:: Why did I call you ::

2006-08-04T18:01:00.000-07:00

I miss you soo much sometimes,
Like the sweetest rose with thorns,
I can only appreciate your beauty if I do not hold you too tightly,
Either way I bleed.

:: Half Hearted ::

2006-07-31T18:32:00.000-07:00

my dearest friend for the longest while,
I love you with a half my heart,
the other half I keep for my soul,
part for myself and whoever shares my world,
the half I give you I know will be safe,
for when the world grows dark and my other half breaks

:: ugh... mush ::

2006-06-30T19:20:00.000-07:00

just kiddin...

You make my heart beat a little faster, I cannot decipher the descriptions in my head to form words that say enough. Looking for a heart to match my own, alone I am complete but not whole. I miss you when you're not near, even though I am the one who's gone. Thank you for making me smile despite my gloom, making me believe that the world has beautiful things worth having. I'm looking for a light in my life, possibly an end to my strife, no less than a true friend to stand beside.

Farewell and Goodnight

yep folks I have not been blogging because there is very restricted internet access in some of the places I travel to, and I have a life or rather no time for a life in between all the travel and work... (my dilema ..how to make time to blog or even care if I don't) sucky posts like the above should keep the fans of my traumtizing slow car wreck of half hashed introspection far away .. expect little and you will complain less at what you receive.

-:: Moving Along ::-

2006-02-16T16:47:00.000-08:00

When I was young, as I gazed at the sky, I believed that the moving clouds
were how we percieved the world turning. As I grew older I begun to
understand that the winds could blow in any direction and clouds moved with
the will of the wind.

:: End of it ALL -- Thanks for viewing ::

2006-02-01T17:56:00.000-08:00

Noo not the blog, just "freedom" in general

Too busy these days to take a moment to be as serious as I want to be, if I
put soo much thought behind the simple words that I say. Needless to say I
wish I had more time to think first, hence my quote for the week; "there is
no such thing as a perfect time for shit to happen"

I often realize my mistakes immediately after making the biggest ones, those
that take awhile to sink in usually nag me the most. Would it be soo easy to
do it all again because I have changed many times from my sheltered
perspective to embrace the single point of light in an otherwise
claustrophobic shell I hide behind with a smile painted on the outside.

Admission: I believe I am fatalistic, and really hate myself because I
understand why and how to get out of it but know I may never escape it!

Got to make the most of this year folks
*** very tiny small print < I really do love you, yes I do, thank you soo
much for making my life special >

Just One Of Those Days - Sizzla

ahh oooh im missing you missing you

Dry cry even tears
even my heart cried but who cares
who's fault no one but myself
things do happen words can't explain
its only human reasoning, joy mixed with pain
people would spend time just for us to separate
they dont want to see us reach nowhere
oh girl, and you know I care

Why does it have to be this way
cant tell you go cant tell you to stay
just one of those days, just one of those days

Am i too humble or ignorant
we begun to fight nothing seems important
Oh, my girl have left me and gone
doesnt want to see her in another arm
the essense of her beauty and her charm,
the perfume still lingers, oh damn,
remember girl where we coming from oh,
I'm the one to whom you belong oh yea
Girl you keep me sprung,
you and you alone no other one

why does it have to be this way,
cant tell you to go, cant tell you to stay
just one of those days, just one of those days

keep looking to see her at my gate
listening to hear the phone ring by the fire place
now somewhere out there is my girl
now where can I find her in this world
still not gonna break down nor be sad
even though I'm stressed out,
fed up and feeling mad
I just cant do without her,
Oh Jah, still a man gotta try

Why does it have to be this way,
cant tell her go cant tell her to stay,
just one of those days just one of those days

Is this happening for real,
only if you know the vibes what I feel
still trying to do my best,
and i still wont lose my interest
my girl i love you so,
really hurt to see you go

Why does it have to be this way,
cant tell you go cant tell you stay,
just one of those days, just one of those days

Why does it have to be this way
cant tell her go cant tell her to stay
just one of those days, just one of those days

-:: Dialog from chemical space ::-

2006-01-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

good evening .. I am feeling down .. been high and happy, soaring to the sky
on my wings of wax and feathers.
the sun of course melted them and I plumeth toward the earth, wishing it
were the sea to catch me so I could at least swim to safety rather than lay
broken until I am mended
how are you :D ... doh study my melodramatic nonesense eh .. just feeling
mouthy, wordy.. and verbose had a good time last night and I am tired..
could sleep for days if only I would, and had that ability, not for my
absent will and courage

**
someone said, "lol, you always persist in being very you"
**

but seriously .. huh?
yuh darn oxymoron :D I am me despite changes at any given 30min or so ..
I will still be me!! thus it is persistent!

typical associations notwithstanding, you are thinking one dimensionally,
thus you will constantly be surprised and overwhelmed at the diversity in
another circumstance.

but you are past the cryptic .. yes and no, interesting, i'll get back to
you on that
so long ago overdue.. advance to rambling theses! demystifying the funk
that I fake so well.

perchance to dream again?

-:: Graphic Humour ::-

2006-01-06T07:29:00.000-08:00

saved this from a post on TG the other day, when I came across it today I almost fell off my seat, not sure how many foriegners will understand it..but who the heck really understands half of what I write anyway //..good one Strauss //

-:: Good Night ::-

2006-01-06T07:13:00.000-08:00

this will never happen like it did last night ever again makes you think of how short life is and appreciate the beautiful things and people we have

wish you were there.. wish you were near
(wish I were elsewhere sleeping preferably)
we are all dying slowly in our last moments,
still breathing air,
time is always relative,
and life's span too short to treat like forever

when you feel the urge to sleep,
lay your head down and dream the innocent sleep escaping the surrounding bustle ...
wake up when you must, and breathe till your lungs fill and them shriek out because you are soo awake and alive..
I do not,
I am only within half a dream in the night and not sure if I am dreaming of sleep or sleeping to dream in the morning

~Benko

-:: Contradiction ::-

2005-11-24T17:19:00.000-08:00

Virtues failed through honesty as a dire contest of will and conflicting personality,
There are many choices I would not make in another’s shoes,
Nor can I contemplate what circumstance leads another to such abstraction.
Because I cannot see their point of view does not make me right,
nor they more correct than I,
simply blind to president, action,
and consequence of opposing perspective.
Differences tolerated to a point of personal conclusion and moral boundaries,
in protest of the concept of acceptance,
and reverence of the choice to respect

-:: S o S w e e t ::-

2005-11-23T19:10:00.000-08:00

Her smile is sweet and mysterious,

I need to know more than I have asked,

So fleeting is the moment,

Shy thoughts creep between us,

Then a joke chases away that icey spirit

Evolving from curiosity,

I am afraid of how easily she plays on my thoughts,

I am not sure if she was really joking or warning me away

So easy to like her and difficult to escape,

That beautiful smile is like a sweet embrace

*I am so not going to live this down, but I eh deleting ah thing (until I really feel stupid)

Doh ask, I won’t tell, and I will scowl at you too

-:: I n t r a n s i t ::-

2005-11-20T15:10:00.000-08:00

With certain dedication to making little or no sense,

My mind wanders as it enters the room,

Focused on too many words,

My vision is blurry and making little sense,

The numb ache of my knees remind me,

Standing in a shuffling line, reading signs,

My luggage grows heavier with every step

The colloquial accents further obfuscate my impatient ignorance,

I was never any good at foreign languages.

-:: F u s s y ::-

2005-11-20T07:05:00.000-08:00

it is soo when you have no plan,

dunno what to expect..

or really can't anticipate what would make yuh happy in ah day..

I feel slightly fussy and more than a lil touchy,

I doubt i'll get past which shoes to put on,

far less what to wear and who ah really want to talk to.

I think i'll stay indoors today

-:: Etching ::-

2005-11-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

Yielding to shades of grey and black coal impressions,

Inspired by slight and gleeful fancy of your likeness,

Rendered by an artist’s hand frozen in a moment.

Bliss captured image of beauty

-:: I n f l u e n c e ::-

2005-10-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

a conversation in secret, giving in to your view,

I lose my mind

waiting for the simple truth to come true.

nothing you say can challenge or deny the claims expressed by my heart,

so it seems that I win this time,

unless you want me to lie,

the feeling of denial has me choosing another path,

what do you want me to do

-:: moulded ::-

2005-08-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

the artist's hand is soft and trained,

sweeping brush strokes from heart to paper

with eye beholding a vision not yet elaborated

after conception and marinating colour and design,

the technical merit defined

a picture is formed from her mind

-:: Foreclose ::-

2005-07-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

Are you going to let me in?
Somebody else would tell your secret
We have a trust that no bond can break
Somebody else would take it for granted
Why tell me that i'm too close
am I really that shallow and conceited?
Where can you go from here?
I don't care, I don't mind at all.

-:: Re: What is love? ::-

2005-07-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

love is the thought that never stops,
the moment not still enough,
the quiet space between your ears that,
the sound of breaking waves in a seashell cannot drown
your rushing blood, pounding heart,
and sleepless night to ponder a thought
the feeling of wellbeing for everything will be alright,
the cranky morning only one other person can be expected to understand,
and when they don't you hope they will get the next
the warm other half of your empty space,
the overcrowded room you could tolerate if only they stay
the completion of a sentence you have not escaped
it is your heart and mind body soul and best wishes that end you in ah jail

-:: Flashback ::-

2005-06-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

From my haiku days:

"I’ve been tripping on beautiful galactic luminescence.

Lost in sweet enfolding sun burned inspiration,

Falling far from undeniable soft pliant all encompassing smile"

-:: Keep Swimming ::-

2005-06-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

my pain is a foul thirsty daemon with a dark heart and an open vice

grips me with a smoking claw and drags me over coals of hate and self destructive pleasure,

my life is an empty hole I keep piling in the paranoia of a million experiences that cannot change

so I need to rest this tower of fear loathing and indescribable disdain,

waking from the shadows grasp

running a race from your goal seeking, greedy gilded a$$

for now I am just fading, I cannot create the friction I need to get my match to start.

so lose me or lock me up, I just won't die, giving up is suicide

-:: System of a Relationship ::-

2005-06-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

No power to move your faith

No will to change,

Created my own design, so you find it strange

Won’t be your toy for pleasure, I will be your rage

Torture the f--king system, that keeps me sane

All that I really wanted, you locked away

I don’t need your f--king approval, to act my age

Desire fails to keep me, within your grace

But on my own feet, I will you AWAY

-:: End of the Road .. wake up ::-

2005-06-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

Opening my eyes,
slowly learning left to right,
before sounds can describe the scene
I remember to breathe in
and look at you again
I have never seen you before
your voice breaks my thought
and makes me think about your words
looking down and around,
I learn more
suddenly I conclude
I have definitely missed my stop
and this maxi has long passed Curepe

-:: Rest for the Fedup ::-

2005-06-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

One last time before I lay my head down

I want to feel like I have a reason to wake up

Living is easy when your fate is automatic,

Taking the lead sometimes makes it special.

-:: Selfish Version 5.0.2c ::-

2005-05-27T18:09:00.000-07:00

I keep believing there is a reason for everything. My belief is
nothing like faith, but follows logic, I hope not biased and tainted
by sentiment and my own morals. The constant traffic of people in my
life has left me with varied impressions and experiences. In the end
it becomes a picture of what I wish to accept from anyone with my
shrinking tolerance and inescapable depth of attachment.
If I appear detached and unmoved by your most compromising attempts,
it is because I fear trusting myself to believe in you more because I
can accept you only at your worst.
To the only constants in my life, I love you all more than I will ever
say, and I hope you know this because of how easily I discard
everything else but somehow find you. The major difference you have
yet to discover is that I no longer try to protect you from myself and
my foreboding passive aggressive intolerance that sparked of
hypocrisy.

-:: Have We Met ::-

2005-04-24T20:49:00.001-07:00

the depths of your eyes draw me into delerious thoughts,
with the speculations of your luscious lips,
I am in conversation with your body as you breathe
every subtle movement seems to tantalize me more
I want to hold your hand in mine just to touch you
ask you questions just to hear your voice
cannot help drifting my gaze from your face to your other delights
thoughts of preservation of dignity elude me, only desire remains
I want to ask your name so I can write you songs and poems of praise

-:: Flower ::-

2005-04-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

she was a bright red flower in my mind,
delicate beauty, soft and fragile
fragrant like vanilla lillies,
waking up to morning dew,
making me smile at the thought of you
held too tightly or without sufficient care
my love withers and dies before its time

-:: My Friend So Alone ::-

2004-11-05T18:03:00.000-08:00

and I know you are lonely
but I am lonely too
and I know that my heart can't save me
but it will do fine with yours
so if we got together
and the world were simple
all our problems would be naught
why can't my answer be your question
do see what fear wrought
and I can't think anymore
it is driving me insane
do you realize that
we can break the chain
but you go your own way
and I go to my safe place
same as we always did
panic is overloaded,
sensations of your mind
so my hands are sweating,
anxiety defined
so keep your promise
or let me change my mind
I hate you
I can't change you
I don't want to be the next one undefined
we will be friends
if you keep your distance
and I will stay away

-:: Night Life ::-

2004-11-05T10:48:00.000-08:00

she has a smile that reaches her eyes
saying there are secrets to tell never to be mine
at easy with the soft music playing in my mind
the drink she sips with a queen's refinement
it seems the room is slowing to show her design
as she turns and strides her jungle cat stride
walking away like she has no intent on her mind
oh yes there is other life on this rock that we cannot deny
I have not left the spot I was gawking from
and she dissapeared from my sight

-:: Swallow ::-

2004-10-27T04:20:00.002-07:00

Vulnerable searching soul, confidence ambling to claim real desires
Infant not yet born with full ken of destiny baring its face

-:: Discarded ::-

2004-10-27T04:20:00.001-07:00

Futility bearing down to insanity
Can’t escape the torment inside of me
Realities falling like a river of tears
Cancer eating, fulfilling my fears
Loose myself inside I have nowhere to hide
Run away from the pain I burn my heart again
Falling down, its immensity is crushing me
Life blossoms all around like red and yellow Poui trees

-:: Thirst ::-

2004-10-27T04:20:00.000-07:00

Tiny spaces never hold release my encumbered spirit to roam
Being free to express eternity, babbling thoughts through any words properly composed
Completely vacant, I am empty fill my void
Tied down and chained again
Loosing myself in torment, sad depression of mine alone
Every moment I keep breathing
Slowly waking to dormant joy
How much time has passed?
The mirror talking to break me down
Too much pain the lies are hurting
I disconnect my stupid conscience
And hope for joy
I am weary and very sorry
I have escaped being whole
So afflicted with self destruction
To kill my pain and break my chains

-:: Roulette / Tabanca ::-

2004-10-27T04:19:00.001-07:00

So empty, I can't sleep, the wall is solid, I need to scream
Maybe I can rest my head instead, close my eyes and go to bed,
The light and noise keep me awake, I must acknowledge their embrace
I am addicted to all forms of everything, I enjoy the poison that I make.
Burning in estacy, roll another bullet, perhaps this time
Death and pleasure will coincide

-:: Lost ::-

2004-10-27T04:19:00.000-07:00

Spinning like a top in a hurricane, waiting on the closet monkeys to escape
Taking breaths in gasps - the tourniquet is too tight.
Evolve to the discipline with anxious eager karma. Deep green envy and pale blue serenity.
Flicker with the waves under the master-switch without control.
The room is white and the fan is loud as are the distracting lights
flashing from the nano-processing machine.
Possessed with the idle curiosity leading to sunny or glum disposition,
funny how it flows unevenly like water being spun,
wise and ancient, without a thought for result.
Wasted with understanding and measured by intellect,
blamed by personal failure and tormented with neglect.

-:: Crush? ::-

2004-10-27T04:18:00.001-07:00

Sometime in my life, when? I cannot say, perhaps it was today or yesterday,
Asked the question of what I was looking for,
I paused for a while to say, “I will know it when I see it certainly?”
Now to the question in debate
knowing it will never ensure a perfect fate, because sometimes the best of opportunities escape.
How much of what you want and what you think will be the most important thing that persuades,
Suppose he or she doesn’t love you, like you love them,
Could it be that, you are so different that your lives become a living hell,
If you live across the country and you’re always so far apart,
Perhaps it’ll work out, if love is in your hearts.
The formidable opponents of thoughts and desires,
Sometime you think so much that you become afraid to aspire.
The haunting memories of ex’s past and the ex’s of your friends,
Weren’t they happy at the start but the fact is they came to end.
So much for being spontaneous,
It may work for some but the odds are definitely against,
The most rational and logical of people are quite doomed, it is useless to pretend,
If you don’t take a chance to be less afraid,
So much will escape, life is not painted black or white but many shades of gray,
I guess the most important question is “do you believe in fate?”

-:: Blameless ::-

2004-10-27T04:18:00.000-07:00

Punishment forgone, careless to divulge
Cranial discord, righteous with disdain - so logical
Feeling the empty space.
Someday to fill that hole again
Tension wrapping around forcing no remorse

-:: Escape ::-

2004-10-27T04:17:00.001-07:00

I can’t see, I can’t see, I can’t see - WHY
Daemons screaming and dancing inside of me
Daemons praying and chanting - I want some peace
Give me fear, give me blood, give me sweat and tears
No more hate, no more love, no more agony
I need to be free of all these daemons inside
Wake up
I wake with no elation for the sunny day
What are blue skies worth in the passing time?
For what do I want of life at any moment?
Tormented shackles dragging my pain
Nothing
Wasted solutions to simple mystery
Restless wake determined to suffer endless depression
Burning insanity relinquish control and awaiting destiny
Too many faceless fiends with cherry coloured smiles, wanting nothing,
Too much to hide, fearing interpretation

-:: Secret ::-

2004-10-27T04:17:00.000-07:00

Who shall I say this to?
Who is waiting for it?
Who speaks to me?
Who shall I take there with me?
Who can I trust to stay cool?
Never have I had so little
Or so much to choose
Never trust to promise
Don’t even lose faith
Keep on, who do you trust
Wait, who do you trust
Release the blame

-:: Nutshell ::-

2004-10-27T04:06:00.002-07:00

Redundant joyless days, like the many before and to follow
Deep and utter torment, living in a blissful arrogant paradise
Sorted into formal and informal thoughtless pairs of equally tormented lives
Dependency upon myself to keep sane, and everyone else to be constant and unrelenting
Reeling mental circles, placid and eager
One or many things felt within an instant
Maladjusted description of being constantly alone
Fear of silence, torn and believable
Boasted dignity and talent, lost to yourself and hidden within a diabolical hollow smile

-:: Morning ::-

2004-10-27T04:06:00.001-07:00

Quiet and undisturbed zen moment,
Everything is one with the air
I didn’t write the normal poem filled with anguish and despair
Am I happy and could this be true
happiness or contentment with the moment as it is
Perhaps in a few hours I will know for sure
why my bubble has not burst yet.

-:: Special ::-

2004-10-27T04:06:00.000-07:00

So many worlds apart from what I am used to
I never realised someone so beautiful would be the last to know
They never grew up and became what they are,
they were simply born that way
Finding a function for simplicity,
Reduce the maelstrom
Fighting discord,
Freeing you to explore the distant space
Up until now has been elusive
Contemplate the reasons for this
Mindless confrontation
Wake up and drink some juice
So much that has yet to be written
So little easy to deny
Processed and forsaken
Engulfed and redefined
Enshrined in principle
Redundant yet polite
Scarred by denial
So lost in petty charades
Why is it all, or is it not,
So simple to be blind
Easy to classify

-:: Polite ::-

2004-10-27T04:04:00.001-07:00

Decided to say please,
because nobody knows me for what I want to be,
Everyone has an opinion that I hold in high esteem,
Is it really possible to pacify the total forces of denial?
So much is clear yet so little can be realised.
Must I always be the one to rearrange
everything I believe I can do?

-:: Thought ::-

2004-10-27T04:04:00.000-07:00

Filtered grains of solutions in the sky and stars above,
No changing patterns,
Pure serenity and simplicity
Everything important,
could be one with eyes that can see what is most beautiful
Mindful of philosophy that torments you needlessly
Change will not help you to realise the decisive
and the quantitative reality
Reaching for the solitude of security
The grass was wet this morning
I saw a bird standing with a twig
Sunlight was creeping through the windows
and the clouds were completely still
A typical cold and present morning
Nothing more than ordinary to declare,
Sleeping populace unawakened,
Noises only natural to hear

-:: Happiness ::-

2004-10-27T04:02:00.000-07:00

Prosaic beloved reality
Blended with the happy mood
Not for me or for indecision
Conscious of my lack of discretion
Loose my soul in harmony
Never-mind why I am being pleasant

-:: Bliss ::-

2004-10-27T04:01:00.001-07:00

Bliss illusion, simple solution
Insane confusion, Faustian delusion
Evolution redundant, pollution intrusion
Abundant profusion, immersion in seclusion
Do you want to feel like you are here alone?
Have you ever dreamed that you had never known?
Waiting for hell to bend and walk away from it all
Sleeping, lying in bed with no thoughts of your own
Seeing fate crashing
Talking without thought
Fed with caffeinated imagination
Sweet like destiny unknown

-:: Quiet ::-

2004-10-27T04:01:00.000-07:00

Time in between just slips away
My quiet thoughts will not stay that way
Noises invade - the hollow case
My silent shell is stripped away
No longer am I in this place
Time in between has slipped away
Nostalgic memories are my fate
No patient loss of life - I live
It falls suddenly - into my private hell
The depth of empathy for this thought
Silence pervades my waking days
New to the world of no escape
I claim the peace that madness brings

-:: FLIRT ::-

2004-10-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

your eyes tell me more than you believe
I ask questions to fill the space between
somewhere there is a lesson I have not learned
about mixing my own impressions with your finite words
the papercup and string linking the conversation
passes words not far from my ear
there a tendency to distort what is meant
when you wink and say not today instead

-:: Fire Burn Love ::-

2004-10-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

love becomes an inseparable part of you even after it goes sour, feel distorted and seems to be the thing you hate
you cannot cut it, burn it, or put it in a, little box under your bed, it will cause you beautiful dreams and nightmares, and little children should be warned early to avoid at all costs though it is inevitable as the death it will eventually cause as your heart grows cold and dies before you understand it completely.. those lucky enough to survive aree the minority I am sure, but they would never say it was easy with an honest lie... an hell no it is not the reason for happiness.. happiness is much more evolved and far less picky

...
if I sound cynical and mean... well I that is because it is 4am and I am not happy with love at the moment :|

-:: Image ::-

2004-10-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

gazing upon the mirror too deeply,
as I am swallowed by facination with our differences,
the flat shadow in detail beneath the surface
opposite to my own,
distorted by a warped perspective
and intensely emulating my curiousity

-:: Falling ::-

2004-10-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

torn wings failing to grasp the air,
plummeting to the sky in relation to my fall,
the scorched depths of my gentle heart,
never will be exposed to the warm blood of my spirit,
life failling within me the dull cold rust of plasma erroding,
to finally be still at the end of my excruciating fate.

-:: Reason ::-

2004-10-09T21:14:00.001-07:00

the earth shakes and opens my eyes,
I am looking into a the depths without reason,
feeling as much as I can see,
far more than I can understand,
creeping illusions that are easily shattered
as undue gifts and curses emmerge,
distorted and melded with my own incoherence

-:: How It All Ends ::-

2004-10-09T21:14:00.000-07:00

lonely gray dawn,
a bottle for my companion,
and the wine my friend,
the sand is as pale as the dark sea,
and the night is dying behind my back,
I cannot hear the wind anymore,
the muffed sound in my ears are echoes,
soon I will be sober,
and the sunrise agreeing with the sky
and I will still have a headache

-:: Sleep to Dream ::-

2004-10-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

and life continues it's cycle of futility,

only filled with the pleasant surprises we can never dream of.
but what is the difference between a dream and reality,

are dreams not real as well, even if they are not realistic,

we live in our dreams half as much as our individual perception reality.
and if our dreams become fullfiled will they still be dreams or both a dream and reality at once,

and if you dream of sleeping forever to have great dreams when does it end and reality begin

-:: Wasted ::-

2004-10-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

as I fade into obscurity,
tonight loses it's glimmer
the stars have grown cold and distant
I am bitter and disappointed,
unrelenting until tomorrow
when my cynicism revolts against me
and shows me the error of my thoughts

-:: Freedom ::-

2004-10-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

strange, this feeling of optimism,
cluttering my purposeless endevour
you stand waiting for my failure,
I carelessly plunder time for you are more conscious than I
your moral throne preaches volumes in your language,
ignorant and free of the faculties you possess, I continue
learning in my own way,
growing distant from your encumbrance
tommorow, I will be completely free of you

-:: Out of Order ::-

2004-10-01T11:44:00.001-07:00

forbidden display of emotion or individuality,
the stifled outraged wooden smiles and cultured laughs,
seated at the meeting with prepared answers in agreement,
reguardless of the assertion of those programmed to agree,
with no hesitation or disinclination it was unthinkable to state an actual opinion,
and even more embarassing to realize that it was the only correct one,
yet unwelcome...

-:: This Morning ::-

2004-10-01T11:44:00.000-07:00

I opened my mind this morning when I woke up,
followed by my eyes with the fresh bean brew in a cup,
verses lost in the blurred speech around me,
another language learning lost thought before I sleep.

-:: Uncertainty ::-

2004-10-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

i'd like to take a momement to tell you where it hurts
the moment I took my eyes off you
I was certain I was lost
too much time is missing
it goes so fast in thought

-:: Insane Abstraction ::-

2004-10-01T01:52:00.000-07:00

in everything a little for everyone
sometimes there is no security
far away from the maddening crowd that asks questions
expecting soo much in return
while you patiently wait for some sign that is invisible,
keeping away the pain that lashes on
without understanding or a care
punishing with its argument
dishelved by the crazy thoughts answering your own questions about my thoughts
I try hard enough in my vain efforts,
still failing to comprehend
what it is that I have not asked that you believe I should never know.
Perhaps if you did not say what you did,
and I never had the presence of mind to accept it so easily without contest,
thinking that there are more things in this world than we can understand,
some within the furthest abstracts of our perceptions.
Not easy to quantify even for those brave enough to try

.:: Love Song ::.

2004-10-01T01:28:00.000-07:00

love - this - world,

love - this - girl

i've been trying for years,

trying to reconcile the fact that I live in this world and that girl isn't mine,

making the time to change my mind,

simple reason to find my place in this whole distorted candlelight

so close to darkness I was definately blind

trying to make a pass when I already missed my chance

still I ...

love - this - world,

loved - this - girl

just so you know,

love changes the world and the perception that we have,

giving a little patience to stop and smell the flowers,

everything is real but might as well not be,

making up for time lost after waking from my sleep

love is fleeting

love is blind

so is insanity as it occupies your mind

changing vision, by ommission of all the logic that we find

love this world

so many other girls

I have wasted so much time